Breath in. And out. There maybe some reasons that make you want to leave this life sooner that it should be, which also happened to me several days ago (and honestly still haunt me until now).
People may say: hey don’t you have decent house to live? Isn’t your daughter lovely? Don’t you earn more than me? Don’t you live in a peaceful country without those bombs fired up everyday?
Screw people. Sometimes life meaning doesn’t relate to your earning, your grades, even your relationship. Sometimes it’s not about ungratefulness. You have been very grateful for everything, yet your soul is longing for the perfect place where you could remove all the pain inside.
But sometimes the cloud is just hanging there, unmoved, dark, and cold. Happiness is a delusion, and all you want to do is to end everything.
Surely several days are brighter than the others. You just have to wait for the cloud to move, well maybe slowly.
And through the dark times, you need reasons to stay. At least until next month.
For me, the list goes on like this:
1. Infinity War will be on theater April 27th. Who could miss Robert Downey and Benedict Cumberbatch in one scene?
2. I should attend Monika’s graduation ceremony on October (hopefully)
3. There is planned vacation on June. Surely will be a great time to spend this life
4. The cashier of my company still needs my help for operating Excel
5. Our company’s project is done in April. A celebration will be prepared. After all this hardwork, I need to get the pay off right?
6. Apostolic Training is held on the end of March
7. I have enrolled to a Zumba class. If I die today, I’ll loss 150k
8. There is Bible resume that need to be done until end of year
9. I have 42 mio that should be multiplied
10. I haven’t build my business yet
11. There is debt to be paid
12. I want to see someone’s smile each day
13. I contribute in that smile also
14. I haven’t enrolled to master degree
15. There are starving people in other half of this world that need help
16. Somebody has to monitor the company project’s progress
17. I haven’t gone abroad
18. If I die, I’ll be the first of my friend, and probably not the last.
19. I have to monitor these lil’ brats so that they don’t screw up their lives
20. I want to go to Bira before I die
21. I should climb a mountain also
22. I haven’t told my big family about Jesus
23. Surely I’ll leave sadness among my family and friends if I die
24. And probably my sisters will have eating disorder after that
25. I have paid 500k for this month’s room rent
26. I haven’t gone to Dufan
27. I have several best friends, and I want to see them reach their goals, oh, and also to attend their wedding!
28. I am not rich yet
29. I am not rich yet
30. Makassar is not finished yet.
Yeah that’s for me. How about you?