H+42

Mourning

These are another imaginary conversation with me and my observer self regarding all mourning for the loss. It was not an easy road, but yeah, that’s life. Enjoy 🙂

Hi, what’s up?

Hmm, mixed up.

This never occurs in my mind, that coping with loss will be this painful. It’s not an overstating. Faith and encouragement come, but when we fail to look upon God, heavy mood begins to enter the heart. The tug-of-war between these extremes (faith and mood) is unavoidable, and often exhausting. It’s like you experience personal explosions inside your body, day by day, unseen by the other people. Terribly exhausting.

Well, but you have people stay around you, right?

Yes, I do not forget that a lot of people help. Texts, gifts, words of encouragement have accompanied us during the process, and those mean much. Yet still, they have limitation. Mixed, unspeakable feelings still linger on our heart. The days remain gray and blue, sometimes I feel like smiling is an extremely difficult thing to do.

Didn’t you pray?

Yes, at times. Most of the prayers went without any word. Because more often than not, no word can define the process that happen inside. Most of the time after the prayer is finished, a new source of strength come inside myself, then it’s like tons of burden are alleviated from my shoulder. But the burden may come again, followed by the tug-of war. I know I just have to pray again, for my strength comes from outside of me.

So, the problem is solved when you’re finished praying, right?

Not really, prayer gives you strength, but the suffering still exists. Faith doesn’t remove suffering. It’s still there, but somehow you’ll be able to see from another perspective, then you start to work on the problem, and magically it’s solved. Well, the road is not easy.

What is, actually, the hardest part?

It’s almost been one month, and I have distinguished three main sources of the hardship.

The first problem that I realize is the change. Coping with loss is not merely about sadness. It’s more about adapting yourself to different way of life, which might consume a lot of energy. In my case, I have two sisters, both are younger than me. It implies that I need to be somewhat a role model for them, being sometimes like a father, sometimes a mother, and sometimes a sister. I’m really thankful that we have a very kind aunt :”

She got married 8 years ago, and now she’s the one Monita is living with. She’s willing to facilitate us, with funds and house and even moral encouragement. Yet still I could not let her bear the responsibility alone, well so, we need to cooperate, and that’s another adjustment to work on.

The second thing, beside those role adjustment, is the financial aspect. Decision should be made on whether we should invest in deposit, insurance, capital market, or government obligation. And I couldn’t expect that my sisters and aunt will read all of those financial product explanation right?

Another major change is, we have more stakeholders than before. My mom used to manage like, everything. And now we begin to face more people on our own. We should learn how to react in front of this group of people, or in that group of people, well, because not all people are basically kind.

The second hardest part is life redefinition. Unconsciously, the existence of my mom constitutes large portion of my reason to live. She’s one of the pillars. She is my motivation to finish bachelor degree, the main reason I want to take Master, to work, to reserve wealth well, and finally to make her happy and satisfied with her life. To make her feel no burden of living.

What happens when the pillar was taken? I feel like in a sea with no compass at hand. I lost track of direction, I had less appetite for life, someday, I just didn’t want to wake up. I couldn’t set any target in life, going day by day just to make sure that everything (certificate of death, bank insurance, letter of inheritance, my job, my business, my sisters’ laboratory report) was handled well.

It’s a deep feeling, and I do not expect someone with no experience of this stuff will understand, but that’s the truth. Thoughtfully I should say that ‘living for God alone’ is a very hard character to possess, and it turns out I’ve failed for years in this aspect. Apparently, it’s not only God that be the reason of my life. And that, presumably, is the answer to this directionless state of being.

The third, and the most noticeable, is to find balance between what happen inside and outside of the body. When most of my friends had great fun in our student council’s celebration for graduates, I didn’t. For me, the two hours lasted like two years. In that moment, I didn’t want to be happy, I didn’t want to have small talk. I hate crowd, but those were all that existed in the room. So what happened was, I forced myself to fake a smile, to pretend like I enjoy the moment, and participate in the talk. And that was the exact same thing I experienced in the following day, at my faculty ceremony. The worse thing was, in the latter event, students were invited to come with their parents. Well, my aunts and uncles came for me, but things were going more awkwardly. Getting back from those event, I put my head under a pillow, and you can guess what happened next.

Another specific thing in my case is how I need to catch the world. Two weeks after my mom I followed a graduation ceremony. So in days between, my life was about handling important letter and financial stuff, graduation preparation, and accommodation for 6 members of my family who want to come and get into Sabuga. This request was pretty much impossible, and succeeded to put me under additional stress.

Two weeks after the graduation ceremony, I am going to start working in Makassar, which implies a necessity to finish all remaining business in Jogja, Kudus, Bandung, and Jakarta, then start to plan a new life over there. Sometimes I feel this world spins so fast, while I just want to sit on my bed with a blanket on, drink hot chocolate and read a book.

Yah, but we have to keep going.

That’s kind of overwhelming, right? How do you get along with each issue?

Ah, yes! Overwhelming is the most describing word!

Well, for the first issue, I still configure the most convenience way to set things in a new form. A lot of Google, a lot of school of life. For the second one, I think I have to deepen my relationship with God, I need to perceive Him more as a person, so He becomes the strongest pillar and compass of my life, still working on this though. For the third, I still have no idea. Hahaha.

Anyway, there’s always sweet part in every bitterness. Our life is two sides of a coin. So, what’s the sweet part?

The first is, I begin to understand that suffering is also a form of grace. Since the purpose of life is not merely to be happy, suffering can’t be perceived as a curse. In other hand, it will develop people into their better self, which is good. Suffering is a free course, it’s a grace.

The second, strangely, I experienced the grace of forgiveness toward some people in the past, and that’s liberating, really.

The last, God is becoming more relevant, it’s true that there’s no atheist in potholes. I always feel God holds my hand all the way, even in a situation when I begin to stumble and fall. It’s hard to describe, somehow I feel peace within this raging sea inside and outside of me.

Haha. Okay, That’s really a mixed up situation.

Yeah, well, anyway these are materials that help me go through the process, you might want to see this, God bless!

  1. 2 Cara Mengubah Pengalaman Terburuk Menjadi Pengalaman Terbaik
  2. Joy Comes In The Mourning
  3. Coming Home
  4. Semua Menjadi Hitam
  5. It’s Just The Long Way Home
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3 thoughts on “H+42

  1. Although we rarely (almost never?) talk to each other, I found that you’re a very strong person, Melisa. Along this long and winding road, we learn that God teaches us to see and trust Jesus despite pain and loss–and that is the essence of believing that Jesus is God. And I believe this will lead you to be a stronger person in faith and character. You’re loved, Mel :’) Thank you for being an inspiration!

  2. Reading your newest post does encourage me as well, Jov! Pain and trouble are just proofs that God is serious with our life right, haha, keep on going in this unending journey!

  3. Yo mel,

    “The last, God is becoming more relevant, it’s true that there’s no atheist in potholes. I always feel God holds my hand all the way, even in a situation when I begin to stumble and fall. It’s hard to describe, somehow I feel peace within this raging sea inside and outside of me.”

    This somehow speaks to me…
    Keep writing your hearts out.
    GB

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